Blind
by Yaoi Banshee of Death
Summary: One day you wake up to find that your nightmares are what's real, and everything you knew was just part of a pleasant dream that will always be just out of reach." Riku's POV, general angstiness, and mild RikuSora.


**AN/Summary:  Another angsty little piece of work, sort of a companion fic to Twilight, though it works fine on it's own.  This one is from Riku's POV and is set during the game, pretty much shoved between his little talk with Maleficent after Jafar is defeated and when she gives him the power to control the Heartless, once they've found Kairi and are aboard Hook's ship.  (Where he is raped – that hook had to hurt…)  Anyway, yes.  It's also a little more blatantly Riku/Sora, but still very mild and (supposedly) one-sided.  Don't like, don't read - too bad for you.  Have fun.**

**~ **Blind ~****

                I stare out over the bow into the seemingly endless expanse of nothingness – nothingness where my mind keeps telling me water should be.  It still seems just a little wrong, out here in space instead of on the open ocean I grew up with.  Not that anything is really right anymore.  We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into when we built that raft.  We were looking for freedom, or at least, I was, and now…  Well, I guess I found it, didn't I?  All of that seems so far away, though, so unreal…

                I scowl as his bumbling sidekick shuffles up behind me and nervously clears his throat.  Why can't they just leave me alone?

                "Um, beggin' your pardon, Sir…"  He trails off, and even without turning, I can tell he's fidgeting with his hat.  It's pretty pathetic, really.  I think he's more frightened of me than his is of that ridiculous Captain.

                "What is it?"  Keeping my back to him, I make sure my voice is cold and even, and I can almost feel him cower.  _That_ makes my stomach turn, and I suppress the urge to flinch.

                "Well, y-you see – it's just that…"  He stutters, and I wait patiently for him to continue, making sure not to show even the slightest bit of interest in what he has to say.  "That is… the Cap'n would like a word with you – at your convenience, of course… if it's not too much trouble…"

                I snort, both in contempt and disbelief.  _At my convenience.__  I seriously doubt that the dear Captain added that part, but I suppose that's understandable.  After all, people like that hate being afraid of _anything_, let alone a boy.  And as much as I dislike being the object of that fear, I can't help the sneer that creeps into my voice._

                "Well, then, you can tell your illustrious Captain that if he really wants to speak with me, he can come and see me himself, instead of sending idiots like you."

                "Y-Yessir."

                He scrambles off without any further reply, and a few moments later, I hear the Captain explode into a string of curses as his first mate delivers my message.  I'm not sure which pisses him off more: the fact that he's taking orders from me, or the fact that he can't do anything about it.  Not with the Heartless here, and not while Maleficent is still treating me like her personal pet.  Which, while more than slightly disturbing at times, definitely has it's advantages.  Like right now.

                Out of all of them, she's the only one I have any kind of respect for.  She _is_ the Supreme Evil Bitch, I'll give her that; and whatever delusions of grandeur she may have, she's still the only one who has any concept of reality, as warped as it may be.  She knows what's really at stake here, and she understands that using people can be much more profitable than destroying them.  

                I must admit, there were a few times when she almost had me going, when I almost believed all that crap about Sora betraying me.  Almost.  It was very eloquent and carefully constructed crap, yes - but it was still crap.  And even then, I don't think she really believed she was fooling me.  She knew it was all just a game, and it's one that she knows how to play very well.  That line about me being like a son to her, though, that was pushing it, but I suppose I can't blame her for trying.  It was a valiant effort.

                I'm sure she would have preferred that I really was that poor, delusional little boy that the others all seem to see - the one that would play right into their hands, no questions, no conditions.  But I'm not stupid, and if they want to play rough, that's fine by me.  They use me to get what they want, and I use them to get what I want.  And despite whatever Sora may think, I know exactly what I'm doing.  Not that he could ever really understand that.

                I smile sadly and shake my head.  Good old Sora, standing there and trying to lecture me about right and wrong.  Always so pure, and still so incredibly naïve.  Right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark – it's just not that simple.  There are so many shades of gray in between the black and white, so many people that get lost somewhere in the middle - people who do the wrong things for the right reasons, and countless more who do the right things for the wrong reasons.  I don't even know the difference anymore.   

                It's so easy to be blinded by innocence, so much easier to think of the world in fairy tale terms, where the good guys always win.  When in reality, the good guys are much harder to find, and the bad guys… well, let's just say that you never really imagine yourself as one of them.  I used to think like that once.  Or, rather, once upon a time.  But things like that don't last.  One day you wake up to find that your nightmares are what's real, and everything you knew was just part of a pleasant dream that will always be just out of reach.  At least, that's what happens with normal people.  Sora… he's not normal people.

                Even when we were kids, he was always different.  He could always make you feel better, no matter how depressed you were, and no matter how badly you wanted to be pissed off, that stupid smile of his was always contagious.  It was almost infuriating, but, at the same time, there was something strangely comforting about it.  As long as he was around, you knew that nothing could possibly go wrong, and even if it did, he would be there to fix it.  Of course, I had no idea how exactly he would go about doing that, since he was a year younger than me and probably the scrawniest thing you've ever seen, but it made sense at the time.  And I guess it still does.

                I close my eyes and listen for a moment, forcing myself to be aware of my surroundings, even if only subconsciously.  Normally, I would just tune everything out and retreat into my private little world, but I can't afford that here.  I take note of the crew scurrying around and the Captain shouting out his orders before returning my attention to the scenery and my thoughts.  I may be running the show here, but that doesn't mean I can afford to be careless.  No one can, at this point.

                It's kind of funny, actually.  I never expected to be constantly waiting for Sora to show up and attack me.  At least, not like this.  Back home, it was different.  There were days when I would spend hours on that little island, waiting for him – to hear the creak of the boards that let me know he had come to challenge me.  Again.  Sometimes I would even let him beat me, but now… I wonder.  After everything that's happened, I'm not sure it would be quite so easy.  Especially if he has his little "friends" with him.

                Now _that – that had hurt, much more than I'd like to admit.  Spending who knows how long looking for him and worrying about him, only to find that he'd been off playing hero with those two was a slap in the face, to put it mildly.  And as if that wasn't bad enough, to have that obnoxious waste of feathers tell me that I wasn't _allowed_ to come with them?  No; he didn't even tell _me_ – he told Sora, as if I wasn't standing less than three feet away. _

                I tried to hate him, I really did.  I had wanted so badly to believe Maleficent; had tried so hard to convince myself that this was somehow all his fault… but I couldn't.  And even when we stared each other down that first time and I could see in his eyes that he was more than willing to fight me as his enemy, I knew he was only doing what he felt was right.  Through the anger and that horrible sense of betrayal, I knew he had never meant to hurt me; he was just being Sora.  They had asked for his help, and he had accepted, because that's just the way he is.  And knowing that had only made things worse.

                I resist the urge to sigh and/or hurt something.  As Maleficent would say, showing that kind of weakness would be absolutely unacceptable.  Even in my head, the sarcasm is almost too much, and I choke on my laughter.  God, I am such an ass, parading around like some glorified little Prince of Darkness, acting like I'm so fucking cool…  When all I want is for things to be the way they were, before everything got so damn complicated.  Before she showed up…

                It wasn't supposed to be this way, damn it, it wasn't.  Sora isn't supposed to be my enemy, and Kairi's not supposed to be lying in the Captain's quarters right now like some horrible lifeless puppet.  Sora and I are supposed to be home, just screwing around and having fun, and we never would have built that stupid raft because she never should have showed up in the first place… And then everything would be fine, and it would just be me and him again…

                Or so I'd like to tell myself.  I close my eyes against the sudden sting that means tears, and force myself to take a deep breath.  I've always hated crying.  And, honestly, I know that blaming her isn't fair, either.  It's not her fault, anymore than Sora's.  Just like it's not her fault that he slowly started to pay more attention to her, no matter what I did, and that the first thing he asked me was _'Where's Kairi?'_, even though I was the one who had been searching for him.  Even though it was me who had offered him my hand in that terrible darkness.  The darkness that's a part of me…

                I clench my fist, and I can feel that power, that darkness, coursing through me.  It's always been there, lurking just out of sight, but I could still feel it.  There were times when it was so obvious it was almost painful; to see what separated us – to see that gap, and know that I could never, never be like him.  Could never be _with_ him, not really, because there would always be that something that just didn't fit.  Because, while darkness needs the light to survive, the light never really needs the darkness.

                No wrong without right, no evil without good, and no darkness without light…  I guess you could say he was my light.  I needed him, and I still do.  But he doesn't need me, and he never has.  I've made my choices, for whatever reasons, right or wrong, and he's made his.  They can't be undone, and even if we could change them, I honestly don't think either of us would.  So here we are, and I have absolutely no idea where we're going to end up.  

I still believe Sora can fix things, even as much as I've managed to screw them up, and personally, I hope he beats the crap out of every single one of them.  But I can't let that happen until I've finished what I've started.

I open my eyes, finally, and realize that we've almost reached our destination.  Knowing Sora, he shouldn't be too far behind, looking for her.

And if that's what he wants, that's what he's going to get.  But not now, not when we've come so far.  It's hard to believe that there's so much hanging in the balance, when I have so little left to lose.  We all have our parts to play, though, and mine isn't done yet.  Not quite. 

_Thinking of you, wherever you are_

I don't expect him to forgive me, either.  How can you forgive what you could never possibly understand?  It's impossible.  But that doesn't matter.  Even if he hates me for it, I'm going to find a way to bring her back to him, because she's something I can never be – she's his light.  And I'll be damned if he's going to lose that, too.

Straightening, I take one last look at the sky before I turn and head back to my quarters.  So many different paths, but there can only be one outcome, and I have a feeling we still have a long way to go.  There's nothing to do now but wait and see.  As I make my way below deck, I silently wonder if there really is a Hell, because I know that if there is, I'm already at the top of the list.

~ Owari ~  


End file.
